Your job shouldn’t cost you your safety, sovereignty, and sense of self 🤯

Hello beautiful soul

“Why don’t you just leave?”

It’s what people say when someone is having a bad time at work.
It sounds so simple. So obvious.

But whether someone can leave—or feels able to—depends entirely on the power dynamic they’re trapped in.

We see the same thing with domestic abuse.

And it’s showing up again with the Diddy trial.

“Why didn’t she just leave?”

They’re asking it about Cassie now, just like they’ve asked it about every woman who’s spoken out about abuse.

But if you’ve lived it—really lived it—you know:

Leaving is rarely the first thing on your mind.

When you're in it, your whole life force is devoted to survival.
To managing the day.
To getting from A to B without provoking an explosion.

I was married to my first husband for 12 years.

Was it bad every day? No.
But the “good” days? They were just days that I managed to avoid punishment.
Where I could stay small enough to stay safe.

You often don’t realise you’re in an abusive relationship when you are in one.
You think you’re the problem.
You think the scraps of love you’re being thrown are the best you’re going to get.

Because abuse isn’t always loud.
It doesn’t always leave bruises.
It rewires your sense of reality, your sense of self.
It teaches you to abandon yourself to keep the peace.

It’s like being under a spell.

And I was lucky—because one day, a friend asked me the kind of questions that started to break that spell.
I resisted them at first.
Until I realised that the pain of staying outweighed the pain of leaving in 2010 and left.

But even then—you don’t just leave.

You begin the long, invisible journey back to yourself.

You begin to rebuild safety, voice, trust.

You begin to notice all the places that still feel like danger—including the workplace.

Because for some of us, we carry the patterns we learned in abusive relationships straight into work.
And for others?

Work is where the harm happens.

The manipulative boss.
The gaslighting colleague.
The culture that rewards silence and punishes dissent.

And once again, you’re walking on eggshells.
You’re overcompensating.
You’re staying small to stay safe.

This is why healing from abuse isn’t just personal.
It’s professional.

And it’s why I do the work I do.

I coach brilliant women through power dynamics that are invisible to most—but deeply felt by those living them.

And I help them come home to themselves.
To speak from truth.
To stop shape-shifting.
To start self-advocating.

Because the spell doesn’t break just once.
It breaks every time a woman remembers who she is.

If you’re reading this and thinking: “I think this might be me…”

Here are three places you can begin:

1. Stop minimising.
   What happened to you matters—even if it wasn’t dramatic, even if it didn’t leave visible scars. Naming the harm is the first step in healing from it. I spent years comparing the abuse I had suffered to others and thinking, "well it wasn't THAT bad", and that is what kept me stuck in complex PTSD for longer than I needed to be. 

2. Get support that sees the full picture.
   This kind of harm is relational, systemic, and often invisible. You don’t need to walk it alone. Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or community—find a space that helps you reconnect with your power. 

3. Remember who you are.
   That may sound vague right now. When you’ve been surviving for so long, your true self can feel far away.
   But one of the most powerful ways back is to get clear on your values.
   Not the ones you were taught to perform—but the ones that feel like home in your body.
   When you start living in alignment with what matters to you most, the fog begins to lift.

If you need help figuring that out, I made a free values exercise you can use right now.

You’re not behind.
You’re not broken.
You’re remembering.

And I am hear to hold your hand as you take those first steps. 

Next week, Thursday June 26th I am hosting a FREE workshop session IRL in London for the Women Who Lead Sisterhood. It's ALL about communicating with impact: "Voice, power, and presence: leading with impact and integrity with Ruth Penfold and Clarissa Sowemimo-Coker". 

Together, we’ll explore how to lead with discernment, say no with confidence, and share stories that influence—without diluting your truth.

Clarissa is a former General Counsel turned biotech CEO and board director. She’s navigated everything from high-stakes litigation to leadership through administration. She knows how to command a room—not by performing, but by showing up fully and unapologetically. Here's the recent podcast we did together. Watch Women Who Lead, the podcast here, or listen here.

I'm giving away 3 spaces to people who receive this newsletter. If you want to join us, hit reply and let me know. First come, first served. 

Rooting for you always
Ruth x

Ps. If you’re ready to be all of who you are, there are a few ways I can support you with that right now:

1. Hit reply if you think you might want to be part of the next Women Who Lead cohort (likely August) — I’ll make sure you’re on the waitlist.
2. I have two spaces open for 1:1 clients — hit reply if you want to find out more.
3. Invite me to speak at your company and let’s see if we can get them to invest in the women on your team.