Hello beautiful soul
I want to introduce you to something I have been working on 🤫
I call them the seven shades of separation. Seven ways a woman leaves herself behind — and what she is really protecting underneath.
I created these from years of working with women in leadership. One in particular. Me. Hahaha.
But also from patterns I kept seeing over and over again in the rooms I sit in. From the women who come to me already extraordinary and somehow still not quite able to trust it.
Before I share them I want to say this — you can be multiple of these. Most of us are. And none of them are flaws. Every single one of them is an intelligent adaptation. A way your nervous system learned to keep you safe, to keep you belonging, to keep you loved.
The wound is real. And so is the gift buried inside it.
Here they are.
1. The Capable One
She has everything under control — and hasn't let herself need anything in years.
She is the one everyone leans on. Unshakeable, unflappable, always the steadiest person in the room. She delivers. She never complains. She has made herself so dependable that no one thinks to ask how she is — and she wouldn't know how to answer honestly if they did.
Wound: I am only safe when I am useful.
Gift buried inside: She has genuine, extraordinary strength. When she learns to direct it toward herself as well as everyone else, she becomes unstoppable in a completely different way.
2. The Good Girl
She gives you exactly what you asked for — and hopes that this time, finally, it's enough.
She is warm, agreeable, well-prepared, well-liked. She smooths things over before they become conflict. She says yes when she means no. She has been performing enough for so long that she can no longer hear what she actually wants underneath the performance.
She learned this when she was eight.
Wound: Love is conditional on compliance.
Gift buried inside: Her attunement to others is real and rare. When she stops using it to manage safety and starts using it to lead, she changes the temperature of every room she enters.
3. The Brilliant One
She leads with her mind so no one can get close enough to see the rest of her.
Formidable. Over-prepared. The most rigorous thinker in any room. She uses her intellect like armour — if she can out-think you, you can't touch her. Emotion feels dangerous so she stays in analysis. She is often the most senior woman in the building and the most privately alone.
Wound: I am only as valuable as my last right answer.
Gift buried inside: Her mind is genuinely extraordinary. When she lets it work in partnership with her body and her instinct rather than instead of them, she leads with a quality of vision most people never reach.
4. The Control Freak
She holds everything tightly — because she remembers what happened when she didn't.
High standards, precise systems, very low tolerance for uncertainty. She delegates reluctantly, follows up obsessively, and tells herself it's because no one else does it properly. And sometimes that's even true. But underneath the grip is a woman who learned that chaos is dangerous and control is the only thing standing between her and it.
Wound: If I let go, everything falls apart — and it will be my fault.
Gift buried inside: Her rigour and commitment to excellence are genuinely powerful. When she learns to trust — herself, her team, the process — that energy becomes extraordinary leadership rather than exhausting vigilance.
5. The Lone Wolf
She decided she didn't belong before you could decide for her.
She got there first. Built an identity around not needing the room, not needing the validation, not needing any of it. Fiercely independent, often brilliant, frequently the most original voice in the building — and she keeps that voice at a slight remove from everything. Closeness feels like exposure. Needing feels like weakness.
I know this one intimately.
At school I felt like I was on the outside of things. So I made myself look popular by being rebellious. Going smoking down the field. Creating a kind of belonging for myself by pretending I didn't need the belonging that everyone else had. I made my outsider status my armour before anyone else could make it a wound.
Wound: I was never going to be chosen anyway.
Gift buried inside: Her independence is real sovereignty in waiting. When she discovers that belonging doesn't require self-betrayal, she stops leading from the edge and starts leading from the centre — which is where her power actually lives.
6. The Swan
She looks completely unruffled — and underneath she hasn't stopped paddling for twenty years.
Elegant. Composed. Effortlessly on top of it all — or so it appears. She has mastered the art of looking like everything is fine because she learned early that only the polished version of her was welcome. She manages perception like a second job. Nobody sees the work because that is entirely the point. She is exhausted in a way that doesn't show.
Wound: Only the perfect version of me is safe to bring.
Gift buried inside: Her grace and emotional intelligence are genuinely rare. When she stops performing them and starts living from them she becomes the kind of leader people follow not because she looks the part — but because she finally, fully, is.
7. The Understudy
She knows every line. She has been ready for years. She is still waiting in the wings.
More prepared than anyone in the room. She has done the work, built the skills, earned the credibility — and she keeps not stepping forward. She tells herself she is being strategic. She is actually waiting for permission. She has made herself agreeable, patient, non-threatening — and slowly, without meaning to, has made herself invisible.
She confused readiness with worthiness. And has been waiting for someone else to close that gap for her.
Wound: When I'm ready enough, someone will finally choose me.
Gift buried inside: Everything she needs is already there. It always was. The moment she stops waiting and starts deciding, the understudy becomes the lead — and she realises she was never actually second.
I have been all of them. And sometimes more than one at once! My main two? The Lone Wolf on the outside of things and the Capable One — overfunctioning in friendships, in relationships, in the workplace, in everything. Doing more than was ever asked of me because somewhere underneath it I believed that was how I earned my place.
I do not believe that anymore. But it took work to get here.
Which is why I want to ask you something.
You can be multiple of these — most of us are. But right now, in this season of your life, which one is leading?
Hit reply and tell me. I mean it. I read and will reply to every single one.
And if you are sitting with that question and something feels off — not wrong exactly, just not quite right — come and spend an hour with me this Friday.
I am working with a small group of women to get clear on exactly that. Something feels off. Let's figure out what it is. It is an hour of group work together and it is free.
Just reply and say "I'm in" and I'll add you to the invite.
The session last week left women emailing me afterwards saying it was just what they needed. The medicine to help them get unstuck.
You were never the problem.
Rooting for you always
Ruth x
Ps. Friday's session is one hour, free, and small by design. If you have been circling something you cannot quite name — this is the room for it. Just reply and say "I'm in" and I'll add you to the invite.
Pps. These seven shades of separation are pretty dope, right? Who else needs to see them?
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