Hello beautiful soul
If you've been with me for a while, hello old friend. And if you are new here, WELCOME.
Each week, I write to explore the gap so many women experience between who they are and who they feel they need to be in order to succeed at work and in life.
Sometimes that gap shows up as exhaustion. Sometimes as self-doubt. Sometimes as success that still doesn’t feel right.
This week, I want to talk about identity, and how many of us end up surviving inside versions of ourselves that were never meant to be permanent.
I want to share a bit of my own story, because I think it’s useful here.
These are various passes I have had for things across my whole life.
Different seasons.
Different roles.
Different companies.
Different identities.
When I started my career in recruitment I was good at it. I worked hard and I progressed to Director level pretty quickly.
But I was deeply burnt out and didn’t know it. What I knew as that I hated my job, even though I was good at it and I thought that meant something was wrong with me.
It's important to note that at the same time, I was in an abusive marriage throughout my twenties. Leaving that relationship at 30 took everything I had.
So while work didn’t feel right in my 20's, it wasn’t my biggest problem yet. Survival was.
Looking back, I can see how much of my energy was spent simply trying to be enough. At home. At work. Everywhere.
Adapting.
Enduring.
Holding it together.
I didn’t yet have the language for what wasn’t working. I just knew I was exhausted.
After I left that marriage, something shifted.
I made a quiet decision.
I was going to build a life that actually felt good.
Not just one that looked impressive.
The next decade was about learning... or more importantly, unlearning.
I worked my way through the leadership ecosystem. Recruiter. Director. VP. Chief.
I learned how to make big career leaps. I learned how to earn serious money. I learned how to navigate power.
And externally, it looked like success. Titles. Recognition. Features in magazines even (below).
But here’s the part people don’t talk about enough.
When I reached the top of the system, I could finally see how rigged it was for women.
The rules were invisible. The costs were internalised. And the message was always the same.
Work harder. Give more. Be grateful. Be more like them.
At one point, I was leading alongside a leadership team that was almost entirely women. That should have been the best thing ever, right..?
Wrong. This team had "understood the assignment" from patriarchy and really created a culture that was hard to endure.
When I began coaching alongside that work, something clicked.
It wasn’t just me.
In the past five years, I’ve unlearned and rebuilt almost everything in my life.
Mind. Body. Soul.
Since starting my business 4.5 years ago, I’ve worked with around 100 women.
Brilliant, capable, senior women.
Different industries. Different backgrounds. But the same patterns.
The same quiet self-doubt.
The same over-adaptation.
The same sense of carrying too much, earning too little, or second-guessing themselves despite doing everything “right”.
Today, I live in New York. In a life I’ve built on my own terms.
I have a business I love.
(I even have a second divorce under my belt. But that’s another story.)
Not because I worked harder.
But because I stopped believing the stories that kept me shrinking.
That’s also why my last marriage was so short.
Because I could see the pattern I had walked into.
And once you can see it, you can turn around and walk back out.
Even when it breaks your heart to do so.
This is the heart of my work.
Once you can see the system clearly, you stop blaming yourself for surviving inside it.
And that’s where real confidence begins. Real power. Real choice.
Which brings me to this.
This coming Thursday, I’m hosting a free session:
Thursday January 22nd at 11am EST and FREEEEEEEEEEE!
This isn’t about fixing you.
Because you’re not broken.
For each of the five lies, we’ll do four things.
1. First, we’ll name the lie clearly and without blame.
Not to villainise anyone, but to make the water visible.
2. Then we’ll look at the cost.
What believing this quietly takes from women over time.
Confidence. Money. Energy. Opportunity.
3. Then we’ll tell the truth.
The reframe that actually explains what’s going on without gaslighting ourselves.
4. And finally, we’ll explore the alternative.
What changes when you stop organising your career around that lie and start leading from self-trust instead.
This isn’t about giving you more tactics.
It’s about giving you a different lens. And letting that do the work.
If any part of this email felt familiar, if you’ve ever wondered why you’ve done everything “right” and still feel off or if you’re ready to bridge the gap between who you are and who you’ve been taught to be at work, I’d love you to join me on Thursday, a replay will be available also!
Rooting for you always
Ruth x
Here's that link again one last time, you are going to LOVE it! Thursday January 22nd at 11am EST.
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