You talked yourself out of it again didn't you 🫠

Hello beautiful soul

First. Darling. You are a precious gift.

Not just to me — though that too, and thank you for being here — but to the humans around you and to the world.

And given that we are now aligned on that, I want to share some of what I shared in my recent LinkedIn live called "You get what you ask for (well, mostly!)"

Catch the full replay here on LinkedIn. I talk about a moment that we often miss the importance of. A moment that can cost years of catching up. 

When someone offers you a job, or piece of work and you say yes to the salary without questioning it. 

But that number on the offer letter? It gets baked in baby. Everything grows from there. Your next salary. Your next negotiation. Your next sense of what you are worth. And most of us say yes to the first number we are given — especially women, especially if it feels fair "enough", especially if we are just relieved to have got the job.

Side note: I know A LOT about this because I spent eighteen years watching it happen from the other side of the table.

When men came in to negotiate I would watch them counter without apology. No preamble. No softening. Just: "This is where I am at, can you make that work?"

And then they would sit back and be completely comfortable in the silence. Leaving the number hanging in the air like it belonged there.

And then I would watch women — often more qualified than the men — accept quickly. Or ask but apologise for asking. Or get right to the edge of the ask and then pull back. Soften it. Talk themselves out of it at the last second.

And here is what I want you to understand.

That is not a confidence problem.

It is a nervous system problem.

Because when you know what you want to say, you know technically how to say it, and you still freeze at the edge of the ask — when your mouth goes dry and your heart rate spikes and suddenly you cannot remember why you thought this was a good idea — that is your nervous system doing its job. It has decided that in this moment, silence is safer than the ask.

And it learned that a very long time ago.

Your body learned that wanting too much had consequences. That being too much had consequences. That being easy and agreeable and grateful was how you stayed loved and therefore stayed safe.

That is not weakness. That is intelligence. Your body kept you safe and got you this far. And we love her for it.

But those adaptations? They do not serve you anymore darling.

Because the cost of not making the ask is not just a lower salary or lower pay for something you are creating in your business. It is fewer choices. Less freedom. A career built on a number that was never really yours to begin with.

You get what you ask for my darling. 

I have had my business now for five years. But the five years prior to that really set the foundation for what what to come.

What do I mean? I mean I got good at making bigger asks, and those asks seeded my next chapter.

1. I refused to take a job that felt the same as the last one, I wanted to grow and I taught myself not to care if people thought I was unqualified for something on paper.
2. I negotiated a pay rise of at least £30,000 in each of my last jobs, and more than doubled my salary in under five years.
3. I negotiated a four day week in both of those roles. I was already teaching yoga in my spare time. 

You see here's the real punchline. I actually had no idea what my business was going to become. I just knew that something new was coming, and what I had right now wasn't it. 

I see that in so many of the women I partner with btw. The most common thing people come to me with is: I don't know what I want but I know this isn't it. 

And if something in what you just read landed somewhere in you — if you recognised yourself in the freeze, in the softening, in the pulling back at the last second — that is worth paying attention to.

That is the work we do inside Women Who Lead. Not just the strategy. The inside game. The part that changes how you walk into rooms, how you speak, how much space you take up, and how you stop apologising for doing that.

The June Women Who Lead group is closing at the end of this week. Set up a call with me here and let's talk about what you already know, and what gaps might be creeping in for you around what you need for your next chapter. 

But remember... you get what you ask for my darling. 

So ALWAYS ask for a little more.

Rooting for you always

Ruth x

Ps. If you watch that reply, look for the bit at the end where we practice the actual ask together. Hand on heart. Spine straight. Shoulders back. Warm, certain, no apology.

Thank you. I am so excited about this role. I was thinking more like X — can you make that work?

That is it. That is the whole thing.

Go and watch the replay here.