Hello beautiful soul
I spent most of my life looking for confidence outside of myself.
In the next job. The next qualification. The next relationship. The next room that would finally confirm I was enough to be in it.
And the gigantic plot reveal?
It was inside me the whole time.
I just got back from a Warrior Woman retretat in Montana, and wow, just wow.
Five days. Ten women. Ages ranging from mid twenties to our sixties. All of us gathered at the most magnificent ranch, brought together by the extraordinary real life warrior woman Melayne Shayne.
And what unfolded was something I have touched before β but experiencing it in that room, under those skies, with those women, was like a full body yes for my soul.
We laughed together. We learned together. We held each other. We learned Yoga Thai massage. We ate together. We sat in circle and told the truth about our lives in the way that only happens when women choose to be fully present with one another.
And we studied the Japanese art form of Shibari let by the phenomenal Persephone.
Shibari is the Japanese art of rope tying. It is used in many different ways and means different things to different people. Some people do associate it with eroticism. But that is not what this was. And it does not have to be that at all.
You surrender to the intuition of a phenomenal guide. And by letting yourself be tied β by letting yourself be literally held in place β you let yourself be undone. You stop managing. You stop controlling. You stop performing the version of yourself that has everything together. And in that surrender something extraordinary becomes possible.
The level of tenderness and care I experienced in my session β whilst being witnessed by all of the other women in that room β humbled me deeply. Moved me in ways I am still integrating.
Because here is what Shibari did that I did not expect.
It showed me an exiled part of myself.
The part that does not need to be in control. The part that can receive without immediately working out how to give back. The part that can be fully seen β not performing, not managing, not holding it all together β and still be safe. Still be loved. Still be enough.
And I want to talk about that. About exiled parts. Because I think it is one of the most important things I know and one of the things I talk about least directly.
This has everything to do with leadership and how we show up in the world.
There is a framework in psychology called Internal Family Systems β developed by therapist Richard Schwartz β which says that we are not one self but many parts. And that when life becomes unsafe in certain ways, we exile the parts of us that carry the pain. We do not get rid of them. We just push them out of conscious awareness and build our lives around the parts that are allowed to stay.
The exiled parts are often our most sensitive, most creative, most alive parts. But because they carry pain β shame, fear, the memory of not being enough β we keep them locked away. And the parts that remain in charge work very hard to make sure those exiles never surface.
In women, this shows up in particular ways. Ways I have been mapping for years in my work. I call them the Seven Shades of Separation.
I wrote about them a few weeks ago. And what I want to do today is tell you what each shade is really protecting β and what becomes possible when that exiled part finally comes home.
1. The Capable One
She exiles her need. Her vulnerability. The part of her that wants to be held instead of holding. Research consistently shows that chronic over-giving without receiving activates the same stress pathways as physical threat β the body reads it as danger. When the Capable One learns to receive, her nervous system finally gets to rest. And the strength that emerges from a rested, replenished woman is something completely different from the strength she built running on empty.
2. The Good Girl
She exiles her desire. Her no. The part of her that knows what she actually wants underneath all the performing. Psychologist Harriet Lerner's research on women and anger shows that chronic suppression of authentic feeling does not make it disappear β it drives it underground, where it corrodes self-worth over time. When the Good Girl finds her no, she does not become less warm. She becomes magnetic. Because now her yes actually means something.
3. The Brilliant One
She exiles her feeling. Her body. The part of her that knows things she cannot yet prove. Neuroscience tells us that the prefrontal cortex β the part of the brain responsible for high-level thinking and decision making β works best in integration with the limbic system, not in isolation from it. When the Brilliant One lets her body into the room her thinking does not get softer. It gets wiser.
4. The Control Freak
She exiles her trust. The part of her that knows things will be okay even when they are not perfectly managed. Research on perfectionism consistently links it to hyperactivation of the threat response β the brain reads uncertainty as danger and tightens its grip. When the Control Freak learns to release, she does not lower her standards. She raises her capacity. Because she is no longer spending her energy bracing for disaster.
5. The Lone Wolf
She exiles her need to belong. The part of her that wanted to be chosen and decided to get there first by pretending she did not care. Belonging is one of the most fundamental human needs β research by BrenΓ© Brown and others consistently shows that chronic disconnection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain. When the Lone Wolf discovers that belonging does not require self-betrayal, her independence stops being armour and starts being sovereignty. Those are completely different things.
6. The Swan
She exiles her struggle. The part of her that is tired and does not know how and is genuinely finding it hard. Research on emotional labour shows that the chronic management of visible emotion β presenting calm when you feel chaos β is one of the most depleting forms of work a human being can do. When the Swan stops performing her grace and starts living from it, something shifts. People do not trust her less. They trust her more. Because now she is real.
7. The Understudy
She exiles her readiness. The part of her that already knows she is ready but has been waiting for external confirmation that will never arrive in quite the form she expects. Research on imposter syndrome β and my own TEDx talk on exactly this β shows that waiting to feel ready is itself the trap. Readiness is not a feeling. It is a decision. When the Understudy steps forward she does not suddenly feel confident. She feels terrified and she goes anyway. And that is the whole thing.
Every single one of these women is in the rooms I sit in. Every single one of them showed up in Montana. Every single one of them is in me.
The work β my work, the work of Women Who Lead, the work of every retreat and tsession and room I create β is about bringing those exiled parts home. Not fixing them. Not managing them better. Welcoming them back.
Because here is what I know after five days in that ranch in Montana.
The exiled parts of us do not disappear. They wait. Sometimes for decades. They wait for the moment we create enough safety to let them come home.
And when they do β something extraordinary becomes possible.
Now. I need your help with something.
I am building a research project called What's Actually Real β a study on women's experience in the workplace in 2026. Because I believe what I see in coaching rooms and retreats and circles of women is systemic. Not personal. And I want the receipts.
I need real women. Not a focus group. Not a panel.
You.
Go here: https://womenatwork.ruthpenfold.com
You were never the problem.
Rooting for you always
Ruth x
Ps. Inspired by the Warrior Woman retreat, and the boxing and Ju Jitsu training we did, I tried Muay Thai for the first time this weekend and LOVED it. If you are into martial arts, let me know. I might be a new fan. π₯
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